sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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