I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
