so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
