So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
