There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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