i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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