I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
