i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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