Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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