Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize