This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i think i just lost a toe
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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