you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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