SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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