I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
