yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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