Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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