I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
No stitches, just platelets and will power
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
