i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Randomize
