Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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