She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize