I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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