I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
