THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize