i can't believe i had my finger in that
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
