That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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