So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
