census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
