I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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