How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
