I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
