i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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