i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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