i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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