my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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