I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
