this beer tastes like vomit already
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
