i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
