I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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