woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
