Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize