im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
apparently the secret to your success is patron
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
