Cold hands, warm shart.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
