god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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