i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
