also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
