i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
