dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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