I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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