We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
