he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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