I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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