dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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