the new term for farting is butt boxing.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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