Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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