I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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