Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
