We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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