There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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